Sunday, April 27, 2014

Buried Feelings

I'm not sure if I'm going to hit post on this or not... or just let it sit in my drafts.  Some feelings have come to the surface over the last twelve hours that I thought I had buried over a month ago.  I guess it really is still bothering me, that I haven't taken care of it.

Part of my problem is most of the time I'll speak up or stand up for myself and other times when it is important to just me I bury it because I think its silly.  Here's another hormonal woman all upset over "nothing".

All of us out there who are overweight, we're not just fat (yes I'm using the "F" word) because we like food. Yes that's part of it... but I think so many of us use it as a coping mechanism.  Something to make us feel better, something to make us feel in control when life is out of control.  I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I don't feel well, cause gosh darn it that food is going to make me feel better?  Right... wrong.  So many times I go with my instinct to eat the ooey gooies than to deal with what's bothering me.

So what has come to the surface again lately?  What am I being a hormonal, emotional, irrational female over?  Birthdays.  There I've said it!  I think over the last few years I've come to really, really, really HATE my birthday!

Every year I remind myself not to get my hopes up about my birthday, that its going to be a wonderful, special day.  Heck its an IMPORTANT day, cause I came into the world right?  Everyone should rejoice that I am HERE!  Almost every fucking year its quite the let down.

What brought this to the surface you ask?  Two main things really... one friend recently had a birthday and I saw though social networking and group chat some of the wonderful things that happened/she received.  Second...I am a cross stitcher, that's my passion if you've never taken a look at my other blog (which I've been writing for over 10 years now).  I read stitching blogs ... a lot.  Often its someone's birthday and either someone is showing off something they've done for a blogging friend for a birthday or the wonderful things they have received from blogging friends, family and real life friends.  

So often it brings up these feelings of jealousy, upset, anger... why does no one do something special for me?

One friend gets flowers from her husband every year for her birthday delivered to work.  Todd sent me flowers ONCE for our 16th anniversary (we're hitting about 24 years now).  That turned out to be a total cluster fuck because of one person's reaction at work that this has never happened AGAIN.  I'd love to get flowers at work, I really would.  Actually it would be nice to just get flowers ... period.

I've had to complain for many years to get a birthday card out of Todd, he's finally gotten the point... but I know he's always picking up that card on the DAY of my birthday on the way home from work.  Makes me feel like an afterthought.

I think this year's birthday has left me particularly bitter and I still feel that way.  Three key friends in my life who I thought would of popped a card in the mail didn't.  I've always made sure I've done something for them.  The childish side of me doesn't want to bother to do anything for them this year.  

One mentioned they forgot to give it to me when they saw me in March a few weeks before my birthday.  At this point really, don't bother.  Afterthought again.  Actually I only got three cards this year, one from Todd (again a day of purchase... and honestly does a girl really want a birthday card about farts?  For some reason guys think farts are halarious.  Trust me any male readers farts are not funny to girls!) and from two friends who live in my area.  At work the girls in the office often give me a card and get me a cake... well the card this year was a blank one with a photo on the front that I know one of the ladies always has on hand in her desk.  Then the cake they did get was a gluten and dairy free cheesecake.  Again I feel like an afterthought, like "oh shit its Danielle's birthday"

WHAT THE FUCK?  First of all I'm not gluten intolerant or lactose sensitive.  Also in the 12 years I have worked with some of these people I don't know how many times I've turned down cheescake and said I don't like cheese cake.  Like honestly it makes me gag I can't stand it, I threw up right after eating it once and that's what the thought of eating cheesecake makes me feel.  But I'm too nice to say yeah thanks for the cake I can't eat, cause I'm not that much of a bitch.  Nope, I picked at it complained I was just too full from lunch and threw it out when no one was looking.  It makes me realize how little the people I work with pay attention.  I felt especially bitter about it the next day when it was another of the girl's birthday and they went out of their way to get her fantastic cupcakes from a specialty cupcake shop!  Yup afterthought.

Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE vanilla cake and/or cupcakes.  Cause cupcakes are little pieces of heaven.

Then there were the questions about where Todd was taking me for dinner that night.  Well he wasn't taking me anywhere and I feel like an idiot telling people, no I have no plans for tonight.  That's right.  I brought home my own pizza and my own cupcakes because if I didn't do that for myself no one else was going to.  Then that pizza had to sit in the over for over two hours because apparently Todd had an appointment at the chiropractor and I guess he thought it was a good idea to go out and get me something for my birthday.  Yup there's that afterthought feeling.

I give him credit, he got me something I've been asking for... but sitting around for TWO HOURS waiting to have MY pizza and MY cupcakes and thinking about that fucking cheesecake.  I was not in a happy place.  Also knowing that he didn't plan in advance or think in advance about my birthday gift, really just spoiled the moment.  He got me this nice silver Claddagh ring, I've been asking for one.  He of course tells me that the store said you had to order in advance if you wanted something with a real stone or white gold (I'm not a fan of gold, gold).  He also had no idea what the significance of one is, and I finally asked for one because at this rate this girl is never getting a diamond ring on her finger.  I refuse to ask for an engagement ring (or something to represent that).  There's that afterthought feeling.  For just once I would like him to buy me a gift that he chooses that would be significant.  He's good at getting me what I ask for but it would be nice to be surprised ... and not just get an iTunes card.

As for the ring, I've not shown it off, I've really not said anything to anyone about it.  Only three people have noticed it in a month.  Nor has my family noticed or said anything. I don't wear rings, I just don't but I finally wanted one from Todd and I hate that I had to ask.

So there it is I've put it all out there... I hate my birthday, I hate it when people show off all the wonderful things they've gotten or others have done for them on their special day.  I hate being an afterthought, I hate cheesecake, I hate not getting flowers because of other people, I hate getting cards about farts, I hate getting my own cake cause otherwise I wouldn't get one, I hate blank cards cause you couldn't be bothered to find the right card for me, I hate that I feel so bitter about my birthday this year and that I felt like I was let down.

Its just another day and I shouldn't count on others to make me feel good.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Saturday Scale Supremacy!

Holy shit, I seriously didn't expect a good week at the scales when I went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. Yes, I normally go on Wednesdays but as mentioned in my previous post, I was laid low with a week long migraine. Today, I'm finally feeling "normal". Of course the normal is in quotes cause that's a loose term, life is far more fun when you're a little quirky!!!

Anyhow back to this morning's weigh in! As you can see it was fantastic!!! Yay me! I'm not sure how I pulled off this great 1.2lb loss. I managed to walk a lot over the weekend, both in the Sugar Bush and on the Beckwith trail. But as of Monday when I've not been at work, I've been in bed trying to banish my migraine! Which also threw my eating off. I either didn't eat the right foods, under ate my daily points or over ate them. My tracking also seriously suffered.

I took this selfie on Wednesday while getting ready for work, despite feeling like shit I thought I looked a little trimmer! It's really hard to take a selfie or be in a picture when all you feel is like a fat, ugly failure! I didn't this morning!

I'm letting my now 2.8 lb loss since getting back to blogging help me focus for the week ahead! On my way home from the meeting I stopped in Wally World and I couldn't help but take a walk down the discount Easter aisle... I found a big Toblerone at 50% off. In the cart it went! By the time I reached the cash and had to wait in line I had reached my senses, and I dumped it in a nearby display. I'm very happy with this NSV. The old me would if bought it and started eating it before I even put the ignition of my wee red Kia!

See, icky out there!!

My next NSV for today was to hop on the treadmill (since it is miserable, rainy, damp, cold and all around shitty out there!) once my Wally World purchases were put away. I put in 5k on the treadmill, doing intervals of 5 minutes of walking, 2 minutes of jogging. I wish my feet would let me run! I miss it... I'm hoping once the majority of my extra weight comes off they'll stop causing me pain.

Now, I mentioned Wally World aka Wal Mart aka The Fifty Dollar store. I don't know what it is about this place, I go on for one thing (a new mouse for. Y computer) and I always seem to come out $50 poorer! Look at today's evidence!!! Can anyone get out of Wal Mart with just the one thing you went into get?

- thanks for reading!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Migraine: Free to Good Home

The post title says it all, I've been laid low with a migraine for a week now. It came on last Friday morning and it's been coming and going all week. On top of the migraine I've been experiencing moments of dizziness, this has been a new symptom for me since last summer. I don't get it with every migraine, but it seems to happen with the multi-day ones.

I've had migraines all my life, so I've learnt to manage them fairly well, often medications work well. If I can catch it soon enough, I have prescription onset medication. Otherwise Excedrin For Migraine (which I have to pick up in the US I don't know why I can't get it in Canada)/sleep/Robaxacet seems to help manage it. With this current one I just gave up in medicating myself... No combination is working.  Also the dizziness throws me for a loop there's no way to cope with that and keep going. 

Work has been stressful for me this week, and that is one of my key triggers. I've taken a sick day today to just sleep and relax  the two things I really need right now to break this cycle. 

So when I've been home I've spent a lot of time sleeping this week, which means I haven't been blogging and I skipped my Weight Watchers Meeting. That's why I have no Wednesday Weigh In to share with you. I'm a lucky girl though, my leader also does a meeting on Saturday morning, so I'll be setting my alarm for tomorrow morning ... Shit, hate getting up early on the weekend!

I've also got a week's worth of Happy Days to catch up on!  I have managed to to that this week!

Thursday April 17th I was so happy to snuggle up in bed after two frustrating hours of grocery shopping before a 4 day weekend!!!  I'm a champion napper!

Friday April 18th, despite the migraine I had coming on Todd and I went to the local Sugarbush with our close friends Teacey and Ed. Afterwards we went to check out the water levels of the Missippi River (the Canadian version) in Packenham. I got this fantastic shot of the 5 span stone bridge, which is the only one in North America. 

Saturday April 19th I'm so happy that I live in a beautiful area, I love walking the Beckwith Trail and no matter the time of year it's beautiful. 

Sunday April 20th Once again, on the trail I noticed signs that nature is coming back to life!

Monday April 21 I love my hobby and this finished ornament made me happy. 

Tuesday April 22 Todd and Zeus sound asleep on the couch together. 

Wednesday April 23 I finally got my new sign!  We're no longer a Library, we're officially the Learning Commons

Thursday, yesterday winning the car rally at work!  My team and I dressed up as the "Daughters of Anarchy" here we are on out "bikes". 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Weigh In Wednesday

It's Wednesday, which means Weight Watchers and weigh in!

This week was tough for my on the psychological/emotional side of things. This made food choices difficult, and I didn't always make the best decision or really think about it I more went on my wants than my needs when it came to food. I know I promised myself to ask if "is it worth it" but really I didn't do that very often. 

Out enjoying my favourite trail, and it was warm enough to be out in a t-shirt!!!!

Also on the psychological side not only was food a tough thing for me but so was exercise, which normally isn't a problem. I had to force myself to either get out walking or get into the gym!  Saturday was a little easier because it was so nice out and I wanted to check out my beloved Beckwith Trail which is 5k round trip. Monday was just brutal, I almost always pack my gym bag and have it in the car unless I know I WON'T be going to the gym. I had my bag packed with intentions of going to the gym, when quitting time came around I really didn't want to go!  I made myself go. Normally once I'm there and I get going the endorphins kick in and I'm glad I went. Not this night, I found my 30 minutes on the bike just a drag, then as I hit the weight machine circuit, I just wanted to quit and go home. I honestly just wanted to cry I was so miserable during my workout. Somehow I touched it out, finished my 30 minute weight circuit and went home. Tuesday I wasn't much on the mood either but I went back into the gym for 30 minutes of cardio (all I have time for before going to my Dad's for dinner and I know something is better than nothing).  Today was a challenge as well, since it was too miserable and cold out to get on the trail I hit the treadmill, walking for 40 minutes. 

So this week has just been full of challenges, a constant inner struggle with myself on all fronts!  Somehow, despite all of this and those "female hormones" (oh joy) I had a great experience at the scale this week!  I've lost 1.4lbs which brings my total to 1.6 since I started blogging again!

I know this is going to be a long journey and hopefully each week will be another step in the right direction. 

For today's #100happydays one of the teachers at work treated me to a Peppermint hot Chocolate (I do not love coffee!!!!) from Starbucks. What made me even happier is as it was a grande and I didn't need one that big I was able to share it with a friend at work!  Nothing says happiness like sharing a treat with a friend, it makes them happy and it's the right choice when you're watching what you're eating!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Catching Up On #100happydays

I have been taking a picture each day of what makes me happy but I got a little lazy/busy at sharing it. 

Friday - I had so many things to be happy about... Todd (my partner) and I went out on a double date with our best friends Tracey and Ed. We had dinner out at the Cheshire Cat (my first time there since it burnt down) then we went to a Jr hockey game, it's playoff time and Ed's cousin was called up to the Halifax Mooseheads and they were playing against the Gatineau Olympique. So we all went to the game together. My highlight besides spending time with our favourite couple was spotting this guy in the crowd... I found Waldo!!!

Saturday - It was a beautiful, warm sunny day AND I was able to get out for a good long walk on the Beckwith Trail. I love walking that trail! Without looking for one I came across this Geocashe! 

Sunday - Despite the threat of rain I got out for a shorter walk around my village and decided to try my hand at official geocaching and found my first one, not too far from my house!

Monday - I got back into the gym, which happens to be upstairs at the grocery store. I was happy to see more signs of spring, gardening odds and ends on display!

Tuesday - Having dinner with my Dad, we make and have dinner together every Tuesday since and follow it up by watching a movie together. We've been doing this since my Mum passed this last June. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

#100happydays Day 3

Tonight's post almost didn't happen as we had a power outage due to very high winds. Hydro Ottawa managed to take care of the problem in about an hour and a half, I was pretty sure we were going to be out all night. 

Being able to visit my friend "Timmies" in the morning is enough to make a girl happy when you need some high octane to get your engine firing in the morning. 

- thanks for reading!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Wednesday Weigh In

It's Wednesday, which is my meeting night at Weight Watchers. I am proud to say I've now gone for three weeks on a row!  Yay me!  That is my promise to myself to go every week, even if I can't make my usual meeting I should be able to get into one at some point during the week even if it's a different location. 

So first let's get to the business at hand, this week's weigh in. For the last while it's felt more like a walk of shame than a weigh in. This week I've come off of the scale with a 0.2 lbs loss, not much but I'll take it!  I'd call this a small victory since I'm usually up at this point in my month... You know water retention due to those wonderful female hormones. 

I did not have the perfect week, but I did keep to my goal of tracking everyday, honestly!  I'm proud of that.  I will continue with that this week and my new goal is to ask myself every time I eat something "is it worth it?"  

This ties into this month's routine at Weight Watchers: is it worth it?  This is encouraging us to think before we eat or at least to evaluate why am I eating this?  Is it worth it?  Can I afford the points?  How am I going to pay for this in points (daily/weekly/activity)?   Is this good/healthy for me?  Am I eating emotionally?

It's day 2 of my #100happydays challenge. Today I'm happy to finally be able to walk outside!!!  It's sunny, the snow is finally disappearing though there is still a nip to the air!  I'm not able to run right now, but at least I'm out and moving!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

#100happydays Day 1

I've not been a very happy person lately, I've spent a lot of time beating myself up. When Samantha whose blog I've been enjoying for sometime now, talked about participating in a social movement called 100 Happy Days, I thought this is what I need to do!!!

Pretty much the point is to share via social media a photo of what makes you happy each day for 100 days.

Happy Day#1

Yesterday a teacher had come into my Learning Commons looking for a particular resource. After checking the shelf where it should be and then my system, I discovered it had bee. Declared as lost over a year ago. Today I found that lost resource and made the teacher's day! Super Library Technician to the rescue!!! You know what's funny, I used this same resource in history back in the 90's!!!!

Sorry about the blurry pic I took it quickly!

- thanks for reading!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

A Tale of Two Timbits

Last night I was on the road, a 3 hour-ish drive in the rain. The last couple of road trips I've done have been in some of the crapiest weather!  So this road trip was no different. 

I left after work and stopped for dinner and caffeine about two hours into the trip... Well tea which is what counts for caffeine for me (I don't like coffee). First of all I ran into someone I knew!  What are the chances you're going to run into someone you know at an OnRoute stop on the 401 at the same stop at the same time?  Chances are slim. 

So I lined up at the trusty Tim Hortons, the staple of every Canadoan road trip. I had already planned to have an everything bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese for dinner as a treat... It's only something I let myself have on the road, otherwise I could see myself stopping every morning to have one for breakfast.

I decided to have something sweet for dessert. I knew a cookie from Timmies is not a smart move, point wise (they average around 6-7 points for just one). A doughnut wasn't a smart choice either  (6-10 points). So here I was going to be smart about this choice, by getting two Timbits. I knew they averaged around 2 points each, and figured 4 points for something sweet wasn't a bad deal. I settled on two sour cream glazed Timbits. I experienced Points Plus "sticker shock" when I tracked my food later that night!  I had picked the one Timbits with the highest point value!!!  Three points per Timbit!  For six points I could of had a whole doughnut (mmm Boston Cream), a chocolate bar, the list goes on for this food addict. 

I thought I was being smart... The true smart thing to do would of been to look up my foods BEFORE I decide/purchase them.  There is no excuse because I had my iPhone with me, with the mobile app on it!  This is something I used to do religiously and definitely a key to weight loss success. To know what you're putting in your mouth before you do. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Been There, Done That ... Or The Power Of Food

When I saw this on Facebook last nigh to knew I had to grab it and share it with you!

I have so been there, done that. I have done this many times where I've eaten the "wrong food" for a meal. 

For some reason the more and more weight I've put I the more power food seems to have over me. Or perhaps the addiction has just gotten stronger. If I had Cadbury Eggs in my house I wouldn't be able to ignore them. Even if I put them out of sight, they wouldn't be out of mind...  I would obsess about it, until I ate to and not just ear one but eat them all. It's kinda like an open package, I have this compulsion to go right until the other end of the package, until it is gone. 

Does food hold some power over you?

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Back Again, And Again, And Again, And Again

Greetings readers... or what readers are still out there.  Once again I'm back and I'm attempting to blog about my journey.  This journey isn't about a first time weight loss but about my attempt to comeback from a weight loss failure.

Here's my weight loss story in a nutshell:

In the early months of 2008 I joined Weight Watchers at my heaviest weight of 207 lbs.  This was the beginning of my journey.  I had no real expectations when I stated my journey or where it would take me.  I discovered the journey to be quite easy and I was happy to just be along for the ride and to see where it would take me.

By 2009 I had reached my declared "goal weight" of 145 lbs as I could never reach my "Weight Watchers Magic Number" after plateauing for 6 months.  I had lost over 60 lbs in about a year and totally changed my life around.  I was eating right and had become a very active person.  I was going to the gym, I had started running (even did a half marathon), I felt awesome and swore I would "never go back"

I maintained that for maybe about two years.  Then things started to slip, I put on 5 lbs, 10 lbs... life went out of control for sometime when my Mum went into hospital very ill for over a month.  I never really managed to regain the control I used to have in my life over myself, over the power that food has over me.  My Mum suddenly passed in June of 2013 and I have slipped even further, letting my weakness and food be in control and here I am staring at the scale at almost 185 lbs having put back on 40 of those hard lost pounds.

February 2014

So here I am, fighting this battle over again, that strong confident woman who used to look back at me in the mirror every morning isn't there anymore.  Suddenly I have turned this point where she's gone and that overweight woman who used to be there is back and I'm not happy she is back.  I've thrown away all that hard work, sacrifice, sweat, blood and tears.

Now onto something a little bit positive.  I went to my Weight Watchers meeting for the second week in a row, and my fantastic leader Maryanne suggested we set one goal each week.  An idea that goes hand in hand with setting small goals instead of getting overwhelmed by the big picture.  So here is my goal for this week, what I'm declaring as week one of this journey:

For the week of April 3-9 I am going to tack accurately every day.