Happy Halloween

First of all Happy Halloween!

The kids at work took dressing up quite seriously!  I'm with a couple of Deadmauses!

I'm still finding it very hard to get my act together over this weight loss "thing".  I suppose really I shouldn't call it a "weight loss thing" that really makes this sound like something bad.  This isn't something bad, it should be something good, something I'm excited to do, something I feel great about.  I just don't.

I find I spend a lot of time frustrated with myself lately.  I don't/won't seem to be able to pull all the pieces of the puzzle together.  I know where the pieces are, I know what the puzzle looks like but I'm blindly putting pieces together... very poorly!

Yummy, tasty treats!

What are my challenges?  I need to make better decisions, I need to get control over my impulses!  I seem to be eating on impulse going with what I feel like eating... not what I should or should not be eating.  I also often keep tempting foods around or get offered tempting foods (sweets for me) thinking I'm strong enough to eat it in moderation.  Time and time again I keep proving myself wrong, I don't eat it in moderation (its more like all at once, gorging myself) or just throw it out.  These things I used to have no trouble with.  I would not keep tempting foods around, I would sabotage, throw out or give them away.  I also wouldn't buy them (which I keep doing).

The eating side of things is getting better, but not good enough to really show up at the scale.

No TaeKwon-Do for me right now!

No running either!  That waving blur is me!

The other part of the puzzle I'm trying to pull together is exercise.  I've had a foot injury since the end of July and I've been pretty much off of impact activities for months!  I was only allowed to walk short distances or cycle.  In September I re-joined the gym so I could take advantage of the stationary bikes, elliptical and weight equipment.  I was pretty good at going for at least twice a week for most of September and the first two weeks of October.  The last few weeks... not so much.  I've been focusing on that this week.  I've used my treadmill at home and I finally got into the gym tonight.

A little time on the tens machine at physio

Did a little too much one week and ended up with a nicely swollen ankle! 

Taping up for a little extra support!

I just need to get my head around this food/impulse control thing.

Failures

It's been a very long time since I've been here. I think about two weeks shy of a year. I stopped writing because I felt like I was only paying lip service to my weight loss journey. I have/had lost all focus in all areas of my life.

This post is titled failures because this is how I've been feeling for a long time now. I know exactly when it started too, February of 2011 when I reached the lowest weight in my adult life, 142 lbs. I would say this was the lowest weight I have even been including my teen years. I felt amazing, I felt invincible! Then it all went wrong, very wrong. The beginning of April that year I put on 7lbs in 2 weeks! Somehow, I couldn't/wouldn't get it back off. So April of that year saw me sitting at about 150. By January of this year I was sitting at 155, up another 5 lbs.

At this point in my life being a Weight Warchers member/attending meetings was no longer a priority in my life, like it had been for so many years. More of the year went by and I'd sporadically go back to meetings. There was a gap from February-July. This time when I went back, up to 165 that's another 10 lbs on. August I went to one meeting, and another gap... That's right another 5lbs.



(Don't you love my leader's outlook on things?)

So where has the last almost two years gotten me? Nowhere but failure I have pretty much re-gained HALF of the weight I lost. Failure, that's the only way to put it.

I SWORE I WAS NEVER GOING BACK. WTF, I'm half way there.

My friends still tell me I'm thin, liars. If they saw how much of my "skinny" wardrobe I'm not wearing they'd know the truth. Acquaintances tell me I look fantastic, liars they have no clue I don't wear my form fitting clothes anymore. My family hasn't given me a reality check either, my partner has. He's been kind enough to let me know I'm getting "squishy". No matter what I know he loves me. He's known me from thick to thin and has accepted me no matter my size.

The only other things that have told me the truth besides Todd is: the scale, my clothes, and the mirror.



I've been back to Weight Watchers meetings two weeks in a row now. That's a start, in my first week back I've lost 0.5 lbs.


- thanks for reading!