Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Sorry About The. Scilence

Sorry it's been well over a week since my last post!  I did have every intention of writing something up last Wednesday but things just got in the way!

Wednesday started out great!  I stepped on the scale and I was down 1 pound, see I even did a happy little selfie!  I'm now down 1.2 lbs. 

After work I went to the gym and met up with a friend for a pre-vacation pedicure!   A little tradition I started last summer that before every trip I get a pedi. Not a big fancy-girlie nail person. But it's fun to have pretty nails!  I picked out this cool shade of blue and she even gave me a cute little flowr on my big toes. 

That's when the week started to go downhill. While at the nail salon I felt like a headache was coming on. I popped two Excedrin for migraine. Hoping it was just the fumes that were bothering me. That and the fact I was starving. I then hooked up with another friend for dinner, figured I needed to eat sooner rather than later... That sometimes is the probelm. A decent dinner with nice company, and I felt a little better. While waiting for our food I was checking out a Just Cross Stitch issue Chrostin had picked up for me... Left that at the restaurant. Went back it was nowhere to be found. 

Another sign that things weren't going well after dinner we stopped in at the mall across the street. I wanted to hit the Body Shop for my favourite facial cleanser. While walking around I noticed I was starting to itch. Yup, I was breaking out in hives. So I followed that earlier Excedrin with a chaser of Claratin. 

Thursday morning I couldn't get out of bed.  Well I tried, I got up and showered, called in sick and went back to bed until 11am. Then I went back to bed again in the afternoon for 3 more hours. This migraine had hit me hard. I felt better on Friday and made it into work despite feeling like I got ran over. I didn't feel great most of the weekend and stuck close to home. 

When I feel like this I tend to not eat well when I do eat and my cravings tend to rule me. So I didn't makes part choices, I didn't track. I am proud that I did track after the fact. 

I peeked at the scale this morning because tomorrow I'm up at stupid dark o'clock getting to the airport for 5am, on a plane for 7am for the first half of my journey to Charleston SC. Originally my flight was supposed to be two and a half hours later. Now because of this change I get to entertain myself at the Detroit Airport for over 5 hours!  Oh joy! 

Anyhow back to that peek, I'm up 0.2lbs. Though being fairly active a couple of days of feeling like shit (or death warmed over) and tracking after the fact I guess that's okay. I'm still not happy with it. I may pop on the scale tomorrow morning, but I have a massage after work today and I really don't plan on cooking tonight so we may eat out, both I find affect the scale. 

My plan for this trip is to get out and walk each morning (workout clothes are packed), enjoy the things (food) I can't get up here. I see at least one Sonic a Peanut Butter Fudge milkshake in my future. If we get into a Cracker Barrel one or two biscuits with gravy. I'm sure there may be other sinful delights, and if I'm going to be bad I want it to be a) something I can't get at home b) worth every bite!  I am going to track what I eat, or at least journal it and not worry about the points. 

If I can I'd like to break even after this trip. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Little Things...

Camo & Lipstick

Its the second week for the Little Things Linkup and I'm sitting here trying to rack my brains for that little thing that's made me smile or feel good about myself.

1. The lovely gentleman at the Tim Hortons drive thru that let me go ahead of him this morning.  There's two entries to the gas station where I hit the "On The Run" Timmies for my morning tea.  He had come in where the lineup tends to be when there is one, I had come in from the other side.  So I was ready to wait my turn.  He waved me in!  Thank you so much for that kind gesture this morning!

2. My weigh-in this morning was not what I was picturing it to be.  I had visions of getting out of the 190's, I had a start weight of 190.4 lbs.  I stepped on the scale this morning to see 190.2 staring back at me.  What a let down!  I know why my number didn't give me that happy-weigh-in-buzz.  I got empty leg syndrome on Monday night and started eating like food was going out of style and that kinda continued yesterday as well!  At times I was physically hungry, at times I ate just because it was there.  So instead of giving up, I'm turning that negative into a positive and I'm going to try harder and eat ONLY when I'm hungry.  Also on the positive side I tracked everything last week!  I'll continue this week.

Okay now while I've already touched on the subject of Timmies... I'm really good almost all the time when I hit Tims (if you don't know about Tim Hortons its a Canadian institution, a coffee/doughnut shop).  Its always for a cup of tea in the morning, its also a great place to stop when road tripping for either a sandwich, soup or bagel and you can find them in almost everywhere in Canada.  They are also at every stop along the 401.  That's if you can stay away from the sweet treats.

Look at what was staring me in the face when I got up to the drive-thru!!!  OMG my mouth started just watering looking at the latest additions to their menu!  I LOVE Oreos, I don't buy them for a reason and if they are Golden Oreos I'm likely to knock you over to get at the bag and eat a whole row!  Now the doughnut didn't tempt me as much as that Oreo Iced Cappuccino!  Oh my!  In the summer I find there is noting more tempting than an iced coffee-drink-thing or soft serve.  To throw Oreo cookies into the mix.

I haven't given in to temptation ... yet but I might find myself allotting the points to have one in the near future, just to try it.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Busy Weekends Are Good

This weekend was a busy, exhausting one!  The one good thing about busy weekends is there's no time to be bored and no chance to graze!  That's a reason to love a busy weekend!  Of course now I'm so tired I'm not even interested in eating LOL!

My partner Todd is an avid angler, a bass man.  For the last couple of years he's been in one of the Eastern Ontario tournament circuits with my friend Tracey's husband.  We're so lucky that the four of us are such great friends and we can just hang out.  This spring he got the boat of is (almost) dreams.  The boat he really wanted wouldn't fit in our garage!

Yesterday no one was available to go fishing with him.  So I agreed to head out on the water and try my best.

It was not a good day on the water, fishing-wise.  Todd seemed to be the only one catching what few fish we did catch.

Since things were slow, I had a nice nap, and even pulled out a little stitching on the boat!

Though the fishing sucked, and I was skunked I still had a great day out on the water!

Today, while the boys were out on the water for one of their tournaments, Tracey and I spent the day together.  We puttered around town, and had a nice lunch out.  It was nice to spend the day together before she and Ed head East for the summer!  Again I was too busy to worry about snacking and grazing!

I've managed to track my food all week so far, and I'll find out on Wednesday if going back to the old Weight Watchers points system has helped.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I Broke Up With Weight Watchers Today

Yes, I did I broke up with Weight Watchers today... well kinda.

During the last month of silence I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and where do I want to go and now do I want to get there. The last couple of years have been a weight loss disaster. Things started going downhill for me when Points Plus was introduced. From the moment the switch was made it became harder for me to maintain my 63lb weight loss. I'm sure it's just not the plan, it's in my head too.

So as of today I'm sitting at 190.4 lbs (gym selfie from yesterday above) which means I've gained back about 47 of those pounds. Depressing isn't it? Just makes me want to go on a binge and never stop, thinking about it. Yesterday was my reset, my fresh start. I'm going to try to forget how far I got, and how far I've fallen. Just focus on today and where I want to go from here.

I mentioned I broke up with Weight Watchers.... Kinda. Today I did cancel my monthly pass, no more meetings, no more etools, no more points plus. Each week sitting in my meetings knowing I had another gain made me feel like a fake/hypocrite. It was doing bad things for my headspace/psyche/motivation. I've decided to go it alone, old school!

I knew I kept all my old WW stuff for a reason! I lost all my weight on this plan so of I can't do to this time, I KNOW the problem is ME. So I've pulled out the old slider, points book and I picked up one of the tracking journals. I'm hoping writing it down will make me much more accountable.

I'm also getting back into the gym. This is another thing that's been messing with my head. I've been dealing with foot pain since March and what activities I can do are limited. Many of the classes have too much impact or the times just don't work with my schedule. So the plan is to get on, get on the bike and do the quick fit weight circuit.

So that's the plan, I'm getting tired of outgrowing my clothes and having to buy new, bigger clothing.

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and just seemed very appropriate!

- thanks for reading!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I'm Done Sulking Now....

I've been having a weight loss failure sulk and its time to suck things up and get back to "real life".  I'll blog more about this later.  For now I saw this linkup and I think its perfect!  Its encouraging us to talk about the little things that make your day better.  Its so easy to focus on the negative (like I have been doing)!

Camo & Lipstick
Today I started fresh, new mindset, new focus.  I can do this!  Also its summertime and I'm a 12 month employee in a school.  I was happy today to come into work in yoga capris, and t-shirt!  I've also plugged my music into the Learning Commons sound system and I've cranked up the tunes!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Monday's Positive Reflection

This past weekend was so-so and I don't really feel too positive about my choices. 

On Friday night I picked up the black pair of Keds from Costco. They looked much better on my feet at work today with my dress pants instead of my big, clunky running shoes that look oh so sexy with work clothes. Yeah I go for the professional working in New York walking around the city... All the time. They also seem to make my feet happier. 

Today was a fresh start!  I've done really well with my food plan and tracking for today.  Everything that went into this girl's belly was healthy, smart choices and within my points budget. I also know that I'm much more successful at weight loss when I plan and make dinner. If I leave dinner to chance I often don't really make anything and I overeat my budget. Above is tonight's dinner a beef stir-fry with white rice. I know I should eat brown rice but I REALLY don't like it, it's a texture thing!  Is there a food that has a texture you don't like?

Another thing I'm proud of is I made it to the gym after work!  I had to make one stop first and often I'll use something like that as an excuse just to keep on heading home. I didn't, I continued into the gym!  Yay me! And for the first time in like a bajillion years my workout felt great and I left the gym feeling that way!!!  Over the past months there's been many a time I've wanted to quit and walk away from my workout. 

I think what has been making me so miserable, a weight loss failure, and living in a personal pity party has been my FEET!!!!  Last week I finally broke down to see my doctor (she rocks!) asked for a referral to the best person to help diagnose the pain in my feet and come up with a treatment plan. I also asked her for a prescription for naproxen to mange the pain (and I have a good tolerance for pain so it takes a lot for me to ask for painkillers). Since being on the pain killers it's almost been a complete 180!  I'm not pain free, but I'm not in constant pain and hobbling at the end do the day. Having your pain managed certainly makes the day seem much more brighter!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Friday's Positive Reflection

Over the last couple of Weight Watchers meetings, my awesome leader has been encouraging us to take stock at the end of each day, and to refect POSITIVELY on how or day was. Want positive things we've done to make us successful on our weight loss journeys. 

I've been meaning to do this, most of May... honestly I have and I just keep forgetting. I need a lot of positive right now as you know I'm feeling quite down on myself lately.  

Today I had my head spin the right place and I made all the right food choices. I was running really behind this morning and I almost said screw it, that I would buy breakfast and lunch. I gave my head a shake and quickly threw cut up veggies (prepping paid off here!), yogurt, cheese string, hummus, and crackers in my lunch bag and for snacks watermelon that I also had cut up already and an apple. So in the end I only just grabbed breakfast on my way in since I was already stopping at Timmies for a tea. I grabbed a bagel toasted with butter which is a treat, I love a good bagel and this one was maple cinnamon French toast, oh yummy!  The point price at 9 PP was a little steeper than what I usually have for breakfast but I did enjoy it and counted it. 

I am also proud that I avoided the ice cream temptation at Costco, on a beautiful warm day.  There's something about a warm, sunny day that just makes me crave vanilla soft serve!  Especially as you're walking in and all you see is every other person walking out, enjoying their Costco ice cream!

I did make a great buy at Cosrco this Keds for $23.99 I've been wanting RED shoes!  I might have also picked up a pair in black....

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Pity Party

Well I'm having myself a bit of a pity party cause I'm failing yet agin. The last couple of years has just been a weight loss farce. 

I saw this on FB today and it's exactly how I feel!  I've managed not to do this (yet) but I did have ice cream for dinner as part of my pity party. Really helps doesn't it?  The good side, I counted the points instead of just ignoring it. 

I just keep thinking how at the beginning of March I had gotten myself down to 179 and here I am now up to 187 yet again even heavier. Again. This has been my pattern the last few years, drop a few pounds, put on a few more. Over and over. 

It's not just my weight that has me feeling so shitty about myself but my feet too. I am in so much pain/discomfort every day (especially since that 10k on Saturday) that it's hard to see beyond that and my desire to curl up into the fetal position and not get out of bed. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Ottawa Race Weekend 2014

Last night was the big night, Ottawa Race Weekend, and my first attempt at a race since my foot started giving me trouble over a year and a half ago!

This year I left early with plenty of time to pick up my friend Tracey, who was running with me and my friend Christin who is my jpmoral support in all I do and my "race day bitch". She carries all my stiff, takes picturs and will always be there when I finish. This year I decided to try parking at the World Exchange Plaza  and that was the thing to do!  It was easy to get into, lots of spots, easy to get out AND free on Saturday!  It was also just a few short blocks from the start line. 

Before we headed to out corral Tracey and I took out traditional start line picture. 

This year the start was different from the mass start of previous years. This year the corrals were started in 2 minute waves. That was the best thing they could ever do!  Instead of having to walk the first couple of minutes because the course was too crowded we were able to start running from the beginning!  Tracey and I decided to commit to two minute intervals, we ran for two, we walked for two. I would of liked to do more but my foot has been really sore for almost two weeks now and I wanted something I could maintain for 10km. The first 5km went really great, good pace. My heel had started bothering me shortly after the first kilometre, but then it always hurts. Ly left half had really tightened up too!  Around kilometre 3 the top of my left foot when numb/tingly that lasted to about kilometre 6. Then around 6-9 I felt like a cramp was coming on!   About half way through kilometre 7 that's when I started to struggle and my pace really slowed down!  But I kept going determined to keep to the plan!  

Tracey and I crossed the finish line in 1 hour 35 minutes!!!!!!  I'm very impressed with how we did, it's nowhere near as fas as when I was 40lbs lighter and running regularly but all that matters is that I did it!  That I didn't give up or just not show up!

Tracey was a superstar and helped get me through the race!  I didn't ask her to register with me, but she did within minutes of me saying I was giving to do the 10k this year. She doesn't run, and is not a runner at all!  She kept up with me the whole way and even had more oomph than I did at the end!  She is also almost 60lbs lighter than me and she does those crazy T25 and Combat videos so she's in great shape!

We have registered for a 5k in late September, the army run and were already talking about running the whole event.  I think that's an obtainable goal for both do us. 

My next step is to get into the doctor and finally have this foot seen to. I keep hoping it would go away, but it's not!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Big But Bittersweet Day Tomorrow

The first time I ran the 10K and over 40lbs lighter

Ottawa has a big run event each year, Ottawa Race Weekend which takes place tomorrow and Sunday. The races take place over the next two days, with everything from a kids race to a full marathon. There are 48,000 participants registered for the various events and I am one of those people.

I last ran it two years ago, about 10lbs heavier than the previous time

I registered in December in the 10K race, I've done this event twice in the past (and 40ish lbs lighter). I had to stop running for sometime due to foot issues. I had developed plantar fasciitis in my left foot, again. This time, not only did I have this one problem but somehow I also developed sinus tarsus syndrome in that same foot. It was a long road to start running again, physio, sports doctor, naproxen, an MRI, and two cortisone injections later I was feeling ready to start running this past October. I took it in small steps and all was well. So I felt confident I could do a 10K by the end of May.

Fast forward to March of this year and while don't a bootcamp at the gym I started experiencing pain in my left heel again, but not quite the same as before. AND I was having pain while I was exercising where I the past it was after, it took a few weeks to get things under control. I also have pain in the metatarsals of both feet of I step on something uneven and my ankles ache! Things are not improving and I find even my day-to-day is even hurting lately and there seems to be two things I can wear on my feet that are okay. Either my running shoes (Brooks Dyad) or my cheapie flip flops. Even my Birkenstocks hurt me!

I need to go to the doctor, I really do... But I keep putting it off. I also need to be assertive and insist that I get probably an MRI and a bone scan to see what's going on with my piece of shit feet. I need to see a specialist of sorts, someone good! I don't want an X-ray and to be shipped off to physiotherapy, go through that for a month or two before the physio finally decides he's not being effective neigh and says I need a specialist to figure out what's going on.

Needless to say in still register in this race, and my feet were feeling pretty good up until a week ago. I started taking it easy just over a week ago because of this event. Things were getting better, until I did something stupid last night.
My friend Tracey and I went to pick up our race bibs/shirts last night and check out the Expo and I did t think to change from flip flops to running shoes. I'm still really sore today!!! Fuck!

I had it in my mind and was training toward walk/running the race. Now I have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow and I might just be walking it. Bit at least I'm going to do it and I'm not a quitter.

It was worth my while last night going to check out the Expo, there were some great deals to be had! I'm super stoked about these shoes!!! I got myself a new pair of my shoe! Brooks Dyad, but last years model and I'm really cool with that!

As you can see, I got a deal, because I paid full price for my 7’s and I NEEDED new shoes. Also this is not a shoe you find in stock in every shoe/sports/running stores. I even trolled the interwebs and couldn't find a deal.

I also spied these Adidas No-Slip headbands loved the colours and grabbed them! I have a love/hate relationship with headbands. Either they're too big for my wee head (I get migraines cause my brain is soooo big ;-) ) or they don't stay put because I have super straight baby fine hair... It takes paying a professional to get a single curl in this hair. Well, I wore one thos orning, and it didn't even last 15 minutes before I could feel it start to slide back, back, back. What a disappointment and a waste of money.

So wish me luck tomorrow, I'm hoping the running gods will smile down on me and let me run as much of the race as possible!

- thanks for reading!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Ummm Yeah....

A bit of silence there for a bit. I think part of it was I wanted to hide the truth that I suck at this weight loss thing. Also over the long weekend (Victoria Day here in Canada) I just didn't feel like being online.

Last week's weigh in was a fucking disaster, I went in Saturday morning and gained 2.4 lbs. I've gotten myself totally addicted to sugar and well...

These! Vanilla Bean Frappuccinos!!!! I think I had 2-3 of them last week. I am proud to say I've not had another one since Friday. So I've been 5-day Frappuccino-free. Yay me!

I'm trying to make a conscience effort to whittle down my sugar, I know I can't go cold turkey, but I'm going to try to get it down to help deal with these cravings that I keep giving into.

I weighed in again tonight, it's technically a new Weight Watchers week on Sunday. It's another gain, a small one but because I've decided to move from Saturday morning weigh ins back to Wednesday night. With summer here it gets hard to go on the weekend. So another gain. This time 0.4lbs. Really I think that's the difference between a first thing weigh in with not having eaten/drank overnight versus eating and drinking until lunch time.

So with these two gains I'm now at my heaviest weight since I first lost my weight. The last time I was 186 lbs was May of 2008! I need to get myself and my life under control and with each gain I feel things spin a little more out of control.

Which of course follows with lots of negative feelings about myself. Negative feelings leads me to stuffing a lot of shit into my face. Time to get my act together!

- thanks for reading!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Prepping For The Week Ahead

First if all I want to thank everyone whose taking the time to respond to my last post! I am glad I did the right thing, speaking up without outright confronting "rude lady". You are all so supportive, each comment just makes me feel better about this blog, myself and I'm looking forward with more optimism theses days. Thank you.

I know one of my key secrets to weight loss success is to "be prepared" and quite honestly for the longest time I've just sucked at it! As I'm bringing exercise back into my routine after a few quiet weeks due to migraines, life and a few plain old lazy days, I thought I should start being more organized again for the week ahead.

I work full time, but I don't have kids so my waking hours are not taken over by caring for a family. It's just me, Todd and the cats so why I get so lazy there's just no excuse. The time is there, I just find once I'm home for the evening/weekend and my big ass hits my recliner I'm done for.

So this evening while making my dinner and some cookies, I prepped food for the week ahead. I made a big container full of salad for my lunches, I find it'll hold up all week as long as you don't put things like cucumber or tomatoes (heaven forbid, I can't stand them!). I even portioned some for my lunch for tomorrow. While cutting up peppers to go in the salad I sliced the rest of the up and put them in a container, I like to pack a baggie with carrots, celery and peppers for an afternoon snack. This week I also picked up a cantaloupe it's now diced and in a container for the week (portioned some of that for breakfast tomorrow). The less I have to prepare on the morning the less last minute junk goes in my lunch bag.

While cookies were baking I also took the time to put my clean laundry away. I'm very guilty of not doing that and just digging out clothes as I need them. I even took the time to pack my gym bag for tomorrow. Since I've hot the trail, two days in a row now, I should do some wights at the gym.

Speaking do hitting the trail, funny I didn't notice the trilliums in bloom yesterday. Today they were in bloom all over the place amongst the shade of the trees! This is the flower of my province, Ontario.

- thanks for reading!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Weigh In & Rude People

I'm quite proud of myself this morning, not only did I get my sorry behind out of bed to go to my Weight Watchers meeting (and to face that dreaded white box), but I decided I had time to hit the Beckwith Trail before the meeting.

I admire those who can get up in the morning and get moving!!! This girl cannot! My body is like nu-huh, no way, not gonna happen! I find I spend the whole workout dragging my ass, I can't move fast enough, and I find even breathing hard. If I do morning workouts it's because I HAVE to, otherwise I won't get it done that day. Or, it's because of my wired-ass allergy! I have been diagnosed with exercise induced anaphylaxis ... In plain English, I'm allergic to exercise! I can't exercise after I eat at a restaurant, there is something in some food that restaurants use that I react to if I exercise 3-4 hours after eating. I break out in hives, I have trouble breathing and I will pass out and come to repeatedly. Soooo if I know I'm going to be eating out I HAVE to either plan to exercise before or decide not to exercise at all. Otherwise it's Mr. Epi-pen (blue to the sky, orange to the thigh), and an ambulance ride to the ER.

I'm flying solo this weekend so I decided I was going to take myself out for breakfast. This meant if I was going to earn a few Activity Points, it would have to happen this morning! I'm very proud that I followed through with that plan as I don't love mornings and morning exercise even less.

My weigh in was a nice little surprise, I managed to loose 0.7 of the 2.7lbs I put on last week! I really wasn't even expecting that as it's been a slow process getting back to eating right and not giving in to my cravings. I also had decided to focus on the food this past week and work on the exercise this upcoming week.

Now onto rude people... This morning at my meeting we were celebrating one of our members who had reached her 10% goal (lost 10% of her starting body weight). She talked about how this was her second time around and between these two times at WW she has now lost 35lb. One member spoke up and said "some of us have lost three times that."

I was just flabbergasted that she said that! It's all fine and great that you have lost over 100lbs and kept it off. But we were celebrating this young lady, who had reached her 10% goal! Way to steal her thunder. We weren't talking about you or your achievements. I couldn't help but speak up, reminding her and everyone else that we all come and go and we each have our own story and we may not know your story or saw you before you lost your weight, but every pound that we each have lost was hard won no matter how much we have to loose.

So please never criticize someone's weight loss (efforts) even if they have less to loose or more to loose. We're all on the same journey we all just take different routes and some of us reach that destination sooner than others.

- thanks for reading!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Bad Blogger/Bad Weigh In

Sorry for the lengthy silence. I do have every intention to blog regularly, but my migraine lasted 11 days in the end. There's a bit of recovery from that, I've also been down lately which doesn't help. And well it rained for almost a week and has been cold and miserable which I find really effects my mental state.

Last week I decided to weigh in on Friday at a WW centre close to work. It was not pretty. I gained 2.7lbs. Excuses, sure I can give you a few... Not my usual weigh in day/time of day. Not the scale I usually weigh in on. I also normally have a bit of a gain once a month. I felt like I didn't do anything wrong last week but I own that gain, it's mine and I have to accept it.

I had a lovely weekend away visiting with my friend Kathy. I only get to see her during the warmer months, so it was so nice to catch up since we last saw each other in November! We talked, we stitched and we checked out a local quilt show. I'm not a quilter but I admire the talent these ladies have.

Since Sunday I've let things go downhill... Again. I couldn't easily exercise while away because of the rain. Yeah you can go out walking in the rain but I'm not that hardcore! So I've not earned a single activity point since Thursday. On my way home I stopped to grab some road snacks that were healthy... I did okay until I decided to peruse the candy aisle! Besides the apples and carrots I grabbed I now was in the possession of King Sized Peanut Butter Cups, Swedish Berries, and a bag of Golden Oreos. I was quite well behaved during the drive eating carrots and apples and only 3 cookies. I think things went downhill at dinner time, we were invited out to a Chinese Buffet with Todd's parents. You can't hide in your home because you're afraid of eating out and family is important, we went without question. It wasn't the best buffet and the choices were not great. I was counting on being able to have beef and broccoli, a "safer" Chinese choice but they didn't have it and barely any vegetables. I did manage not to stuff myself, but that's where the mentality well I've already blown it so why not kicked in! Once Todd was in bed I proceeded to eat my chocolate and candy. I did have a guilty conscience over the cookies the next morning so instead of hiding them and eating them in secret I put them out and Todd was good enough to make them disappear.

Monday night I knew I would not be making a good food choice either. My friend Tracey and I drove to Ogdensburg, NY across the border. I had to pick up a parcel for my Dad that the company wouldn't ship to Canada. There really are very few places to grab a bite to eat there so after some shopping we stopped in at McDonald's. Now I go there about once a year, and if I'm going there I'm having a Big Mac, fries and a pop. That's what I had. I'm sire my body was screaming at me by this point with all of the garbage I had fuelled it with in the last 24 hours. I topped it off with a Dairy Queen dipped cone once I was in the car by myself, eating in secret again.

I try really hard not to let failures at the scale affect me, but they really do and I become my own worst enemy! I keep buying junk telling myself that I can be in control, I can say no. But I can't, I can't stop myself when I get my hands on something I shouldn't.

As this week has progressed I'm working my way back to eating right and I'm almost there.

I don't know what is wring with me, the first time I lost my weight I had so much self control and focus. The last 3-4 years I let the smallest thing derail me and I keep getting fatter.

This is so fucking hard.

- thanks for reading!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Buried Feelings

I'm not sure if I'm going to hit post on this or not... or just let it sit in my drafts.  Some feelings have come to the surface over the last twelve hours that I thought I had buried over a month ago.  I guess it really is still bothering me, that I haven't taken care of it.

Part of my problem is most of the time I'll speak up or stand up for myself and other times when it is important to just me I bury it because I think its silly.  Here's another hormonal woman all upset over "nothing".

All of us out there who are overweight, we're not just fat (yes I'm using the "F" word) because we like food. Yes that's part of it... but I think so many of us use it as a coping mechanism.  Something to make us feel better, something to make us feel in control when life is out of control.  I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I don't feel well, cause gosh darn it that food is going to make me feel better?  Right... wrong.  So many times I go with my instinct to eat the ooey gooies than to deal with what's bothering me.

So what has come to the surface again lately?  What am I being a hormonal, emotional, irrational female over?  Birthdays.  There I've said it!  I think over the last few years I've come to really, really, really HATE my birthday!

Every year I remind myself not to get my hopes up about my birthday, that its going to be a wonderful, special day.  Heck its an IMPORTANT day, cause I came into the world right?  Everyone should rejoice that I am HERE!  Almost every fucking year its quite the let down.

What brought this to the surface you ask?  Two main things really... one friend recently had a birthday and I saw though social networking and group chat some of the wonderful things that happened/she received.  Second...I am a cross stitcher, that's my passion if you've never taken a look at my other blog (which I've been writing for over 10 years now).  I read stitching blogs ... a lot.  Often its someone's birthday and either someone is showing off something they've done for a blogging friend for a birthday or the wonderful things they have received from blogging friends, family and real life friends.  

So often it brings up these feelings of jealousy, upset, anger... why does no one do something special for me?

One friend gets flowers from her husband every year for her birthday delivered to work.  Todd sent me flowers ONCE for our 16th anniversary (we're hitting about 24 years now).  That turned out to be a total cluster fuck because of one person's reaction at work that this has never happened AGAIN.  I'd love to get flowers at work, I really would.  Actually it would be nice to just get flowers ... period.

I've had to complain for many years to get a birthday card out of Todd, he's finally gotten the point... but I know he's always picking up that card on the DAY of my birthday on the way home from work.  Makes me feel like an afterthought.

I think this year's birthday has left me particularly bitter and I still feel that way.  Three key friends in my life who I thought would of popped a card in the mail didn't.  I've always made sure I've done something for them.  The childish side of me doesn't want to bother to do anything for them this year.  

One mentioned they forgot to give it to me when they saw me in March a few weeks before my birthday.  At this point really, don't bother.  Afterthought again.  Actually I only got three cards this year, one from Todd (again a day of purchase... and honestly does a girl really want a birthday card about farts?  For some reason guys think farts are halarious.  Trust me any male readers farts are not funny to girls!) and from two friends who live in my area.  At work the girls in the office often give me a card and get me a cake... well the card this year was a blank one with a photo on the front that I know one of the ladies always has on hand in her desk.  Then the cake they did get was a gluten and dairy free cheesecake.  Again I feel like an afterthought, like "oh shit its Danielle's birthday"

WHAT THE FUCK?  First of all I'm not gluten intolerant or lactose sensitive.  Also in the 12 years I have worked with some of these people I don't know how many times I've turned down cheescake and said I don't like cheese cake.  Like honestly it makes me gag I can't stand it, I threw up right after eating it once and that's what the thought of eating cheesecake makes me feel.  But I'm too nice to say yeah thanks for the cake I can't eat, cause I'm not that much of a bitch.  Nope, I picked at it complained I was just too full from lunch and threw it out when no one was looking.  It makes me realize how little the people I work with pay attention.  I felt especially bitter about it the next day when it was another of the girl's birthday and they went out of their way to get her fantastic cupcakes from a specialty cupcake shop!  Yup afterthought.

Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE vanilla cake and/or cupcakes.  Cause cupcakes are little pieces of heaven.

Then there were the questions about where Todd was taking me for dinner that night.  Well he wasn't taking me anywhere and I feel like an idiot telling people, no I have no plans for tonight.  That's right.  I brought home my own pizza and my own cupcakes because if I didn't do that for myself no one else was going to.  Then that pizza had to sit in the over for over two hours because apparently Todd had an appointment at the chiropractor and I guess he thought it was a good idea to go out and get me something for my birthday.  Yup there's that afterthought feeling.

I give him credit, he got me something I've been asking for... but sitting around for TWO HOURS waiting to have MY pizza and MY cupcakes and thinking about that fucking cheesecake.  I was not in a happy place.  Also knowing that he didn't plan in advance or think in advance about my birthday gift, really just spoiled the moment.  He got me this nice silver Claddagh ring, I've been asking for one.  He of course tells me that the store said you had to order in advance if you wanted something with a real stone or white gold (I'm not a fan of gold, gold).  He also had no idea what the significance of one is, and I finally asked for one because at this rate this girl is never getting a diamond ring on her finger.  I refuse to ask for an engagement ring (or something to represent that).  There's that afterthought feeling.  For just once I would like him to buy me a gift that he chooses that would be significant.  He's good at getting me what I ask for but it would be nice to be surprised ... and not just get an iTunes card.

As for the ring, I've not shown it off, I've really not said anything to anyone about it.  Only three people have noticed it in a month.  Nor has my family noticed or said anything. I don't wear rings, I just don't but I finally wanted one from Todd and I hate that I had to ask.

So there it is I've put it all out there... I hate my birthday, I hate it when people show off all the wonderful things they've gotten or others have done for them on their special day.  I hate being an afterthought, I hate cheesecake, I hate not getting flowers because of other people, I hate getting cards about farts, I hate getting my own cake cause otherwise I wouldn't get one, I hate blank cards cause you couldn't be bothered to find the right card for me, I hate that I feel so bitter about my birthday this year and that I felt like I was let down.

Its just another day and I shouldn't count on others to make me feel good.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Saturday Scale Supremacy!

Holy shit, I seriously didn't expect a good week at the scales when I went to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. Yes, I normally go on Wednesdays but as mentioned in my previous post, I was laid low with a week long migraine. Today, I'm finally feeling "normal". Of course the normal is in quotes cause that's a loose term, life is far more fun when you're a little quirky!!!

Anyhow back to this morning's weigh in! As you can see it was fantastic!!! Yay me! I'm not sure how I pulled off this great 1.2lb loss. I managed to walk a lot over the weekend, both in the Sugar Bush and on the Beckwith trail. But as of Monday when I've not been at work, I've been in bed trying to banish my migraine! Which also threw my eating off. I either didn't eat the right foods, under ate my daily points or over ate them. My tracking also seriously suffered.

I took this selfie on Wednesday while getting ready for work, despite feeling like shit I thought I looked a little trimmer! It's really hard to take a selfie or be in a picture when all you feel is like a fat, ugly failure! I didn't this morning!

I'm letting my now 2.8 lb loss since getting back to blogging help me focus for the week ahead! On my way home from the meeting I stopped in Wally World and I couldn't help but take a walk down the discount Easter aisle... I found a big Toblerone at 50% off. In the cart it went! By the time I reached the cash and had to wait in line I had reached my senses, and I dumped it in a nearby display. I'm very happy with this NSV. The old me would if bought it and started eating it before I even put the ignition of my wee red Kia!

See, icky out there!!

My next NSV for today was to hop on the treadmill (since it is miserable, rainy, damp, cold and all around shitty out there!) once my Wally World purchases were put away. I put in 5k on the treadmill, doing intervals of 5 minutes of walking, 2 minutes of jogging. I wish my feet would let me run! I miss it... I'm hoping once the majority of my extra weight comes off they'll stop causing me pain.

Now, I mentioned Wally World aka Wal Mart aka The Fifty Dollar store. I don't know what it is about this place, I go on for one thing (a new mouse for. Y computer) and I always seem to come out $50 poorer! Look at today's evidence!!! Can anyone get out of Wal Mart with just the one thing you went into get?

- thanks for reading!