I'm not sure if I'm going to hit post on this or not... or just let it sit in my drafts. Some feelings have come to the surface over the last twelve hours that I thought I had buried over a month ago. I guess it really is still bothering me, that I haven't taken care of it.
Part of my problem is most of the time I'll speak up or stand up for myself and other times when it is important to just me I bury it because I think its silly. Here's another hormonal woman all upset over "nothing".
So what has come to the surface again lately? What am I being a hormonal, emotional, irrational female over? Birthdays. There I've said it! I think over the last few years I've come to really, really, really HATE my birthday!
Every year I remind myself not to get my hopes up about my birthday, that its going to be a wonderful, special day. Heck its an IMPORTANT day, cause I came into the world right? Everyone should rejoice that I am HERE! Almost every fucking year its quite the let down.
What brought this to the surface you ask? Two main things really... one friend recently had a birthday and I saw though social networking and group chat some of the wonderful things that happened/she received. Second...I am a cross stitcher, that's my passion if you've never taken a look at my other blog (which I've been writing for over 10 years now). I read stitching blogs ... a lot. Often its someone's birthday and either someone is showing off something they've done for a blogging friend for a birthday or the wonderful things they have received from blogging friends, family and real life friends.
So often it brings up these feelings of jealousy, upset, anger... why does no one do something special for me?
One friend gets flowers from her husband every year for her birthday delivered to work. Todd sent me flowers ONCE for our 16th anniversary (we're hitting about 24 years now). That turned out to be a total cluster fuck because of one person's reaction at work that this has never happened AGAIN. I'd love to get flowers at work, I really would. Actually it would be nice to just get flowers ... period.
I've had to complain for many years to get a birthday card out of Todd, he's finally gotten the point... but I know he's always picking up that card on the DAY of my birthday on the way home from work. Makes me feel like an afterthought.
I think this year's birthday has left me particularly bitter and I still feel that way. Three key friends in my life who I thought would of popped a card in the mail didn't. I've always made sure I've done something for them. The childish side of me doesn't want to bother to do anything for them this year.
One mentioned they forgot to give it to me when they saw me in March a few weeks before my birthday. At this point really, don't bother. Afterthought again. Actually I only got three cards this year, one from Todd (again a day of purchase... and honestly does a girl really want a birthday card about farts? For some reason guys think farts are halarious. Trust me any male readers farts are not funny to girls!) and from two friends who live in my area. At work the girls in the office often give me a card and get me a cake... well the card this year was a blank one with a photo on the front that I know one of the ladies always has on hand in her desk. Then the cake they did get was a gluten and dairy free cheesecake. Again I feel like an afterthought, like "oh shit its Danielle's birthday"
WHAT THE FUCK? First of all I'm not gluten intolerant or lactose sensitive. Also in the 12 years I have worked with some of these people I don't know how many times I've turned down cheescake and said I don't like cheese cake. Like honestly it makes me gag I can't stand it, I threw up right after eating it once and that's what the thought of eating cheesecake makes me feel. But I'm too nice to say yeah thanks for the cake I can't eat, cause I'm not that much of a bitch. Nope, I picked at it complained I was just too full from lunch and threw it out when no one was looking. It makes me realize how little the people I work with pay attention. I felt especially bitter about it the next day when it was another of the girl's birthday and they went out of their way to get her fantastic cupcakes from a specialty cupcake shop! Yup afterthought.
Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE vanilla cake and/or cupcakes. Cause cupcakes are little pieces of heaven.
Then there were the questions about where Todd was taking me for dinner that night. Well he wasn't taking me anywhere and I feel like an idiot telling people, no I have no plans for tonight. That's right. I brought home my own pizza and my own cupcakes because if I didn't do that for myself no one else was going to. Then that pizza had to sit in the over for over two hours because apparently Todd had an appointment at the chiropractor and I guess he thought it was a good idea to go out and get me something for my birthday. Yup there's that afterthought feeling.
I give him credit, he got me something I've been asking for... but sitting around for TWO HOURS waiting to have MY pizza and MY cupcakes and thinking about that fucking cheesecake. I was not in a happy place. Also knowing that he didn't plan in advance or think in advance about my birthday gift, really just spoiled the moment. He got me this nice silver Claddagh ring, I've been asking for one. He of course tells me that the store said you had to order in advance if you wanted something with a real stone or white gold (I'm not a fan of gold, gold). He also had no idea what the significance of one is, and I finally asked for one because at this rate this girl is never getting a diamond ring on her finger. I refuse to ask for an engagement ring (or something to represent that). There's that afterthought feeling. For just once I would like him to buy me a gift that he chooses that would be significant. He's good at getting me what I ask for but it would be nice to be surprised ... and not just get an iTunes card.
As for the ring, I've not shown it off, I've really not said anything to anyone about it. Only three people have noticed it in a month. Nor has my family noticed or said anything. I don't wear rings, I just don't but I finally wanted one from Todd and I hate that I had to ask.
So there it is I've put it all out there... I hate my birthday, I hate it when people show off all the wonderful things they've gotten or others have done for them on their special day. I hate being an afterthought, I hate cheesecake, I hate not getting flowers because of other people, I hate getting cards about farts, I hate getting my own cake cause otherwise I wouldn't get one, I hate blank cards cause you couldn't be bothered to find the right card for me, I hate that I feel so bitter about my birthday this year and that I felt like I was let down.
Its just another day and I shouldn't count on others to make me feel good.