Sunday, April 27, 2014

Buried Feelings

I'm not sure if I'm going to hit post on this or not... or just let it sit in my drafts.  Some feelings have come to the surface over the last twelve hours that I thought I had buried over a month ago.  I guess it really is still bothering me, that I haven't taken care of it.

Part of my problem is most of the time I'll speak up or stand up for myself and other times when it is important to just me I bury it because I think its silly.  Here's another hormonal woman all upset over "nothing".

All of us out there who are overweight, we're not just fat (yes I'm using the "F" word) because we like food. Yes that's part of it... but I think so many of us use it as a coping mechanism.  Something to make us feel better, something to make us feel in control when life is out of control.  I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I don't feel well, cause gosh darn it that food is going to make me feel better?  Right... wrong.  So many times I go with my instinct to eat the ooey gooies than to deal with what's bothering me.

So what has come to the surface again lately?  What am I being a hormonal, emotional, irrational female over?  Birthdays.  There I've said it!  I think over the last few years I've come to really, really, really HATE my birthday!

Every year I remind myself not to get my hopes up about my birthday, that its going to be a wonderful, special day.  Heck its an IMPORTANT day, cause I came into the world right?  Everyone should rejoice that I am HERE!  Almost every fucking year its quite the let down.

What brought this to the surface you ask?  Two main things really... one friend recently had a birthday and I saw though social networking and group chat some of the wonderful things that happened/she received.  Second...I am a cross stitcher, that's my passion if you've never taken a look at my other blog (which I've been writing for over 10 years now).  I read stitching blogs ... a lot.  Often its someone's birthday and either someone is showing off something they've done for a blogging friend for a birthday or the wonderful things they have received from blogging friends, family and real life friends.  

So often it brings up these feelings of jealousy, upset, anger... why does no one do something special for me?

One friend gets flowers from her husband every year for her birthday delivered to work.  Todd sent me flowers ONCE for our 16th anniversary (we're hitting about 24 years now).  That turned out to be a total cluster fuck because of one person's reaction at work that this has never happened AGAIN.  I'd love to get flowers at work, I really would.  Actually it would be nice to just get flowers ... period.

I've had to complain for many years to get a birthday card out of Todd, he's finally gotten the point... but I know he's always picking up that card on the DAY of my birthday on the way home from work.  Makes me feel like an afterthought.

I think this year's birthday has left me particularly bitter and I still feel that way.  Three key friends in my life who I thought would of popped a card in the mail didn't.  I've always made sure I've done something for them.  The childish side of me doesn't want to bother to do anything for them this year.  

One mentioned they forgot to give it to me when they saw me in March a few weeks before my birthday.  At this point really, don't bother.  Afterthought again.  Actually I only got three cards this year, one from Todd (again a day of purchase... and honestly does a girl really want a birthday card about farts?  For some reason guys think farts are halarious.  Trust me any male readers farts are not funny to girls!) and from two friends who live in my area.  At work the girls in the office often give me a card and get me a cake... well the card this year was a blank one with a photo on the front that I know one of the ladies always has on hand in her desk.  Then the cake they did get was a gluten and dairy free cheesecake.  Again I feel like an afterthought, like "oh shit its Danielle's birthday"

WHAT THE FUCK?  First of all I'm not gluten intolerant or lactose sensitive.  Also in the 12 years I have worked with some of these people I don't know how many times I've turned down cheescake and said I don't like cheese cake.  Like honestly it makes me gag I can't stand it, I threw up right after eating it once and that's what the thought of eating cheesecake makes me feel.  But I'm too nice to say yeah thanks for the cake I can't eat, cause I'm not that much of a bitch.  Nope, I picked at it complained I was just too full from lunch and threw it out when no one was looking.  It makes me realize how little the people I work with pay attention.  I felt especially bitter about it the next day when it was another of the girl's birthday and they went out of their way to get her fantastic cupcakes from a specialty cupcake shop!  Yup afterthought.

Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE vanilla cake and/or cupcakes.  Cause cupcakes are little pieces of heaven.

Then there were the questions about where Todd was taking me for dinner that night.  Well he wasn't taking me anywhere and I feel like an idiot telling people, no I have no plans for tonight.  That's right.  I brought home my own pizza and my own cupcakes because if I didn't do that for myself no one else was going to.  Then that pizza had to sit in the over for over two hours because apparently Todd had an appointment at the chiropractor and I guess he thought it was a good idea to go out and get me something for my birthday.  Yup there's that afterthought feeling.

I give him credit, he got me something I've been asking for... but sitting around for TWO HOURS waiting to have MY pizza and MY cupcakes and thinking about that fucking cheesecake.  I was not in a happy place.  Also knowing that he didn't plan in advance or think in advance about my birthday gift, really just spoiled the moment.  He got me this nice silver Claddagh ring, I've been asking for one.  He of course tells me that the store said you had to order in advance if you wanted something with a real stone or white gold (I'm not a fan of gold, gold).  He also had no idea what the significance of one is, and I finally asked for one because at this rate this girl is never getting a diamond ring on her finger.  I refuse to ask for an engagement ring (or something to represent that).  There's that afterthought feeling.  For just once I would like him to buy me a gift that he chooses that would be significant.  He's good at getting me what I ask for but it would be nice to be surprised ... and not just get an iTunes card.

As for the ring, I've not shown it off, I've really not said anything to anyone about it.  Only three people have noticed it in a month.  Nor has my family noticed or said anything. I don't wear rings, I just don't but I finally wanted one from Todd and I hate that I had to ask.

So there it is I've put it all out there... I hate my birthday, I hate it when people show off all the wonderful things they've gotten or others have done for them on their special day.  I hate being an afterthought, I hate cheesecake, I hate not getting flowers because of other people, I hate getting cards about farts, I hate getting my own cake cause otherwise I wouldn't get one, I hate blank cards cause you couldn't be bothered to find the right card for me, I hate that I feel so bitter about my birthday this year and that I felt like I was let down.

Its just another day and I shouldn't count on others to make me feel good.


Brita said...

Thanks for sharing. It's a good thing you let off steam as it's obviously still hurting.
If it's any help I haven't had a physical birthday card for at least two years. A very few people send ecards although I have said time and again that I hate them and never open them. Most don't bother at all, saying, oh, I thought you were on holiday but many happy returns. At work I'm expected to buy cake for the whole department (nothing special, anyone else is, too. But I still don't see why I should. It's nothing to do with them that I'm around!) and when I tried to have parties in younger years people usually found someplace else to be. So I gave up on them.
Don't be too sad when you see all the lovely stitched gifts on other people's blogs. There are quite a few birthday card exchanges around and many people sign up for them. Perhaps they are in the same boat as you and I. I don't know. Personally I'd rather get a card because someone cared but it certainly is a way to know that someone remembers.
I won't give you any advice how you might deal with it, having had too many people giving me the same stereotypical advice not to care. But know that you are not alone.

Shebafudge said...

Oh Dani, I want to jump on a plane right now and come and give you a bloody big hug. xxx

Good for you for posting how you feel. Blogging is not about just the good stuff.

I hate birthdays too. I only get stitching gifts off people through joining a birthday exchange. Colin does buy me bits but they are off a wishlist so he only has to work out how much he wants to spend and press checkout. I would love to be able to send you something for your birthday, you're one of my first and favourite bloggers! So if you believe I am not a psycho stalker, email me your address and d.o.b. and you might get a nice surprise next year.

I can understand how awful you must feel about how your work colleagues have behaved. I would be pretty miffed too.

Todd needs a good kick up the rear. Have you told him how you feel in words of one syllable? Men can be notoriously thick when it comes to things like this. I know I could tell you not to let it worry you but it does me so I'm not going to.

Try not to eat emotionally, says she who is queen of comfort eating! It definitely won't make you feel any better. Come and vent to us instead. xxx

Kathy A. said...

Oh Dani! I am so sorry! I am one of the people who has disappointed you. I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally.
I am glad you were able to put your hurt feelings into words. Sometimes it helps. Sending hugs my friend.

Bonnie Brown said...

I didn't know you got that for your birthday... I know you have been wanting one. Sorry your birthday was such a let down this year. Yes I get flowers, but I didn't get anything else this year. I keep getting the "what do you want". I have no idea really... but like you said, it would be nice to be surprised.

Lianne said...

For the record, in my opinion anyway, you are not upset about "nothing". Wanting to be considered, appreciated and remembered is not "nothing". To be on the receiving end, without asking for some of us never seems to come around and having to ask makes, any outcome you get, feel less than. I hope sharing has made you feel better and know that good or bad, people want to hear what you have to say. Hugs!

blue star stitcher said...

I totally get how you feel! My worst birthday was my 30th, I had such big expectations for the day and I was miserable. My husband tried, but just didn't get it. I think a lot of people feel the same way about special events and birthdays not being as special as we hope they would be. And your coworkers really sucked this year at the birthday thing, the same thing has happened in my office too. Anyways I second Sheba-fudge's offer, send me your address and at least next year your blogging friends can try and brighten your bday!

Sylvia said...

Dani, My first thought as I read was that I wish I were close enough to give you a big hug. How thoughtless those around you are. I can't believe your father didn't remember to send you a card as well. Don't you have siblings? I agree that birthdays should be special and celebrated in a special way. Take the day off from work and come down to Syracuse next year and I will show you a great time. We can go shopping for cross stitch items, walk along the canal, and go out to a nice lunch. What do you think? Or perhaps we can do something close to where you live my schedule permitting. You can email me at my work

Anonymous said...

Are you my twin? First of all I should say I am a lurker here and somehow came across your blog; I don't have a blog myself. But really, you must be my twin, although younger, from the weight, weight watchers, cross stitching and birthday feelings,loving white cake, not to mention knowing where Ogdensburg, NY is! I can relate to the birthdays-if it wasn't for a couple of aunts, I would have no cards at all. I am married and my spouse does nothing, nada to make me feel appreciated or loved on my birthday. I work at home so co-workers can't contribute if they even wanted to. No real advice here but I'll tell you what I do... every year for the past 10 I have gone out and bought myself something that I want and brought home cake for myself along with something delicious for dinner and putting it on our joint account debit card. (not my personal acct) You may not be able to do that. We should appreciate every birthday we have and celebrate outself if no one else does but your blog subject is not a silly blog and I appreciated it! Happy Belated Birthday!