Remember me? I've been meaning to make an appearance here for the last month or two. I've been thinking a lot and I've been wanting to blog here again. The problem has been what to say? So I think I'll just let the words flow. I think I need this to start moving in the right direction. To get things off of my chest, air the laundry so to speak.
I seem to have forgotten myself over the last two years. I have forgotten how hard I worked to get from 207lbs to 142lbs, loosing over 60lbs and achieving my Weight Watchers Lifetime status. How over that time period, I started to walk, which turned into running (even did a half marathon). I became a gym rat, and eventually returned to Taekwon-Do thinner, stronger, and focused achieving my 3rd degree Black Belt.
In April of 2011, almost two years ago now something in my head snapped and slowly but surely I have put back on just over 25lbs. I slowly started making more bad choices, I stopped working as hard, I stopped going to the gym. Then this last summer I started having pain in my left foot. Which meant I stopped running, going to Taekwon-Do, I gave up on a lot of things. I have been in constant pain, and the every day being on my feet at work was hurting. It just became a excuse in my arsenal of self destruction. (More about my foot another day)
I have also forgotten how AWESOME I felt at goal. I felt healthy, I felt thin, I felt strong, I felt beautiful, I felt sexy, I felt powerful. I walked into a room and I was like, "yeah look at me". I don't feel all of that anymore and I've started I MISS those feelings and I want them back.
I've found myself wearing looser clothes again to hide the bulges that have come back. I have been forced to put over half of my wonderful, sexy, slim fitting wardrobe away into a big bin because they just don't fit anymore. I can't even squeeze my behind into a pair of jeans I could wear at goal. I've had to buy bigger clothes, and I really miss my girlie concert T's that just hug your curves. I feel like I'm starting to loose my waist again!!!
Last week I was on my annual Dominican Experience trip for work. I had an ah-ha moment, when I realized ... I didn't want my picture taken, and when I was, I was trying to hide my body behind other people. Before I lost my weight and when I was at goal I always loved having my picture taken, always put myself in the front row. When did things change that I am now ashamed of my appearance, my body? I had a long chat with my best friend Christin before I went away, she's known me BWW (before Weight Watchers) and AWW. She pointed out that when I was over 200lbs I was never ashamed of my body, I never felt fat or ugly.
- thanks for reading!