Remember me? I've been meaning to make an appearance here for the last month or two. I've been thinking a lot and I've been wanting to blog here again. The problem has been what to say? So I think I'll just let the words flow. I think I need this to start moving in the right direction. To get things off of my chest, air the laundry so to speak.
I seem to have forgotten myself over the last two years. I have forgotten how hard I worked to get from 207lbs to 142lbs, loosing over 60lbs and achieving my Weight Watchers Lifetime status. How over that time period, I started to walk, which turned into running (even did a half marathon). I became a gym rat, and eventually returned to Taekwon-Do thinner, stronger, and focused achieving my 3rd degree Black Belt.
In April of 2011, almost two years ago now something in my head snapped and slowly but surely I have put back on just over 25lbs. I slowly started making more bad choices, I stopped working as hard, I stopped going to the gym. Then this last summer I started having pain in my left foot. Which meant I stopped running, going to Taekwon-Do, I gave up on a lot of things. I have been in constant pain, and the every day being on my feet at work was hurting. It just became a excuse in my arsenal of self destruction. (More about my foot another day)
I have also forgotten how AWESOME I felt at goal. I felt healthy, I felt thin, I felt strong, I felt beautiful, I felt sexy, I felt powerful. I walked into a room and I was like, "yeah look at me". I don't feel all of that anymore and I've started I MISS those feelings and I want them back.
I've found myself wearing looser clothes again to hide the bulges that have come back. I have been forced to put over half of my wonderful, sexy, slim fitting wardrobe away into a big bin because they just don't fit anymore. I can't even squeeze my behind into a pair of jeans I could wear at goal. I've had to buy bigger clothes, and I really miss my girlie concert T's that just hug your curves. I feel like I'm starting to loose my waist again!!!
Last week I was on my annual Dominican Experience trip for work. I had an ah-ha moment, when I realized ... I didn't want my picture taken, and when I was, I was trying to hide my body behind other people. Before I lost my weight and when I was at goal I always loved having my picture taken, always put myself in the front row. When did things change that I am now ashamed of my appearance, my body? I had a long chat with my best friend Christin before I went away, she's known me BWW (before Weight Watchers) and AWW. She pointed out that when I was over 200lbs I was never ashamed of my body, I never felt fat or ugly.
Wow.
- thanks for reading!
4 comments:
It never fails Dani,,, I have been reading your blog for a long time and there have been so many moments when I have read your posts and have been moved, touched and had an a-ha moment, somehow you posted and I read them at the very moment when I was totally open to and living what you have said.
It is so easy to pull away from what we don't want to see / experience and your comment about pictures is so real for me.
You are courageous and generous and show it everytime you own and share your experiences - Thank you!
Hi Dani.. I've been reading both of your blogs for quite some time; I think I first saw you posting on one of the stitching boards, but I don't remember now :). In any case, I've always found your posts inspiring; we seem to have stitched many of the same pieces over the years, and your photography has nudged me into using my camera more and to play with its settings and see what comes out of it. This blog has been an inspiration to me, too.. I've been on my own weight loss and fitness journey for just over a year, and I've often thought about you and your success and your willing ness to share with bogland.. Thank you for that!
In any case, good luck with your renewed efforts; I'm sure you'll get yourself back on track.
Thanks for welcoming me on WW the other day. :)
Oh boy, can I relate. My weight has been up and down so many times and I totally have a different attitude when I'm at a lighter weight.
It seems like you have a lot of insight, so tap into that and stay positive. Good luck! :)
You really are an inspiration and I totally understand where you're coming from. Since I've put on weight, I just feel horrible inside. I want to hide. So I totally know where you're coming from. You're a great inspiration for me to give myself a kick in the butt and do something about it. And just remember, you're still down 40 lbs!! That's a great achievement!
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