Is Today My Turn Around Day?

Weigh in on Friday morning, was not good.  I wasn't expecting to be up two pounds.  I am currently 7lbs over my goal weight.  Something, honestly I'm quite ashamed of.  I'm just letting my success slip away it seems lately.  Its like a car wreck, I've been watching it, doing nothing to help.  Of course I let the scale dictate the tone of my day, I was not a happy camper.  Whose fault is this?  My own, yes I have to take ownership of that.

Not only was the scale a huge warning sign to me yesterday, but my friend Amy came and talked to me.  She read that I needed to set a goal, and like good friends do she threw down the gauntlet for sure.  We have agreed to register for the Army Run in September for the 1/2 Marathon.  Are we going to run it, we don't know but they do allow walkers in this 1/2 marathon.  So now I do have this huge challenge looming after the summer is over.  Amy also told me about the 100 day challenge she's given to herself.  To track and to track HONESTLY for the next 100 days.  Well Amy, I hope you don't mind me stealing this idea!

Let me show you last week's tracking, and I've written on it exactly what it is...

Lies you ask?  Except for the total lack of activity points I was well within my daily points right?  WRONG.  I was tracking creatively, tracking what I felt like tracking, even randomly assigning low points values for food that I knew were higher.  All in attempt, I suppose to make myself look good "on paper" to see those average numbers and think "hey I'm doing not bad".  Do you know how many times I delved into the various candy dishes at work and did track a single chocolate or treat?  Several times a day!

So yesterday was day one for me, I tracked EVERYTHING honestly!  I also stayed away from the candy dishes (yay me!).  For some reason yesterday I wasn't very hungry and had a HUGE point surplus (like 12) at the end of the day.  So in the end I did go and enjoy a SMALL DQ dipped cone after dinner with my friend Christin.  Really who could eat 12pts of healthy food and not be ready to explode.  Really I didn't eat enough points through the day (breakfast/lunch).

Today, day two is going well so far, and there's really only dinner left to the day and maybe a snack between dinner and bedtime.  What has made today my turn around day?  I woke up and decided it was time to face the music.  I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, weighed in and paid up (since I was more than 2lbs over my goal weight).  I stayed for the meeting and took notes for a blog entry (will be separate from this one).  After getting home I went out for an 8K run.  It was too nice of a day to not, and I need to start getting in a longer run once a week.  I then decided it was time to clean my house.  I don't think I've done anything besides scrub the toilet bowl since leaving for Arizona back in March.

I truly believe that your home is a representation of your mental state.  Mine was getting kinda disgusting.  So I've got a clean home to reflect a more streamlined mental state.  I've exercised the last two days, and I'm back on the road to going to Weight Watchers meetings weekly.

So from now on, there's only one way to go, up... I mean down.

I THINK I've Figured It Out

For some time now I've been down.  I wouldn't say unhappy but no-so-happy.  Hard to be excited about anything, hard to be my smiley bouncy self.  I've been wanting to stick close to home, I've been tired.

Last night I was asked by someone I've known in the Taekwon-Do community since almost day one who I don't see very often how I was doing.  He could tell in my voice that things were just okay.  Not "great" as I would often say, because yes I'm usually great.  When we had an opportunity to talk he asked me what my goals were.

At this moment it clicked.  What are my goals?  I like to think I'm a goal driven person.  I like to have things to strive for and things to look forward to.  At times in my life its been Taekwon-Do promotions, tournaments, weight loss, and well there's my stitching too.  I find something and I become determined like hell to do it!

I think right now I'm lost in the woods with no compass, a runner with no finish line.

I do have Ottawa Race Weekend coming up in about a month now.  For this, the biggest challenge for me was actually registering.  I've run 10K in the past (on my own), I know I can still run to 10K.  From the moment I registered I have stated this is just a goal to complete, even if I have to do some walk/runs I will go and finish this race.  At this point I'm still not excited or nervous about race day.

I was asked about my 4th Degree Black Belt as a goal.  At the moment that's more of a long term goal, and I have to get out of this funk and just go and TRAIN for this to happen.  Well that and I need to go to an International Instructor's Seminar before I can qualify to test.  The rule of thumb is one year per current belt level before you can test.  This November will be my 2nd year as a 3rd Dan so I technically can't test until at least November of 2012.  Of late I've not felt as driven or pushed to go and do better, be a better martial artist.  Again this could be all a part of this whatever feeling I've got.  Getting my 4th Dan would be a lovely feather in my cap, the first female 4th Dan at our school.  Yup I should get on that.

I've not been to a Weight Watchers meeting since early April, when I last weighed in.  At first it was because I was away, but really that was only one weekend this past month.  The other meetings have been missed because, I didn't want to go/get out of bed on a Saturday morning.  This Saturday its time to go and face the music, get weighed in (the weight hasn't really budged but its not gotten worse), pay for being more than 2lbs over my goal weight, and get back into the habit of weekly meetings.  I haven't wanted the support that my Weight Watchers meetings have offered in the past, I probably need this the most right now and I've kinda turned my back on it.  No one can be successful on their own.

So all of this has led to some very poor eating on my part.  Giving into my cravings, poor food choices, eating when not hungry, eating just because, and not exercising (my week ends at midnight and as of right now I have 7 activity points for the week... normally I get 25-35/week). 

Its almost sad that I've gone from this focused, driven person to what I used to be, a lump sitting in my chair at home stitching or taking a nap.  I don't want to be that person anymore or ever again.  I want to find my drive and vigour for life... I need something to strive for, and I don't want it to be just maintaining my weight (yes I want to do that), because that has been my life focus for over 3 years now and there's more to life that that.

I CAN do it

Greetings, I'm not 100% back to normal yet.  I'm still having up days and down days, the down days still seem to out number the up days.  This means I'm having good and bad food days.  I'm still struggling to get my inner food monster under control.  I constantly catch myself eating when I'm not hungry, eating just because, eating to fill something that's empty or bothering me.  I just wish I could pinpoint what's causing me to be down and at times eating out of control.  Its not full on binging but its moments of unnecessary eating and giving into cravings.  I am also been trying to make myself exercise when I really don't want to.

So I am trying to do the right things even if I'm not being as successful as I'd like.

Last week's efforts found myself only loosing 0.5 of the 5.5 lbs I put on.  I don't have high expectations for this week's weigh in as I'm still not being smart with my food.

As for the I can do it part...  I was determined this year to do at least one official timed race.  Back in the fall I registered for the Ottawa Race Weekend 10K (it will be near the end of May).  I have been running on the treadmill all winter long in preparation for this, and in the last few weeks I've been getting outdoors for some glorious road running.  I must admit I have a huge mental block when it comes to running at the treadmill.  I for some reason have it in my head that after 3KM I just can't do it any longer.  Really, its not interesting running, staring at your partner's assorted tools stored in the basement.  With the recent warmer (sometimes) weather I'm getting out doors and putting in a little more distance 4-5KM but still not the 10K I'll be doing in about 5 weeks.

Tonight I got on the treadmill, when again I didn't really feel like doing it (it is very cold and wet out today!).  At first I told myself I would be allowed to get off after 15 minutes.  Then I decided I could get off at 2 Miles.  After I passed that point, I decided to make it 5KM, then I finally thought to heck with it, I was going to put in a 10KM I had to do one sooner or later.  Now I didn't run the entire distance.  I did run non-stop for the first 30 minutes, after that I ran at a 5:1 ratio (run 5min, walk 1min).  I was impressed with myself, that yes I could make the distance and that I was able to run at a consistent 5.7 on the treadmill.  When I first started running a few years ago I ran at a 4.8 and was doing a 1:5 ratio.  I have come a long way.

Now that I know I can do it I won't be stressing out about Race Day, too much.  I also registered for a second run, this one is on July 2nd.  This is not just any run, but a 5 mile KILT run... yes a KILT!  The kilt is mandatory to participate in the run.  I am really looking forward to this run, its going to be so fun.  I promise you there WILL be pictures!

By the way, according to the Nike+ site since October 2010 I have run over 300 KM.  How's that for a fat chick who was appalled at the idea of running?

Today's Lesson

If you look closely, every day has a little lesson for us.

After being a Weight Watchers member for over 3 years now I learnt that I cannot buy sweet temptations in more than single servings.  Today was official Eat a Cinnamon Bun in front of Dani Day.  Twice someone was sitting/standing right next to me eating a cinnamon bun!  Oh my gosh the second time this happened I was ready to die, just wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole, I wanted one THAT badly!  It was such a bad craving that on my way home from work I stopped at a local grocery store known for descent baked goods (I wasn't having just any cinnamon bun, it had to be a good one if I'm going to have one) and picked up a pack of 4 from the bakery (sadly I couldn't buy just one as I would of liked).  I couldn't even wait to get home I ate one BIG gooey, sticky icing covered tasty bun as I drove home (not an easy job in a 5-speed manual).  By the time I got home I had another 1/4 of a bun.

This is just the perfect reminder that I can only have sweet treats in controlled servings or where I can give the rest to someone else.  Even after 3 years I can't buy a 4 pack and have one the next day.  I have to eat them all and I have to eat them now!

Soooo, 2.75 cinnamon buns ended up smushed up in the garbage can when I got home, removed  from the package and all so that I couldn't "rescue" any of them.  Sabotage was necessary.

Penance, 4.6 miles on the treadmill, 3.25 of it running the rest at a brisk walk... 60 minutes of praying to the treadmill gods.

Stepping Back for a Bit

I've not blogged here in a few weeks now.  I am not dropping this blog, its just one of the many things I don't want to face lately.  I'm not coping well with life in general right now, I'm exhausted, I'm not happy/myself, I'm not really caring much about staying on track with my weight loss/maintenance plan.  Actually I've been downright sloppy over the last two weeks.  The end result, is that this week I gained 6.5 lbs... yes I'm suddenly 6.5 lbs over my goal weight.

Have I been pigging out? 

Not really.

Have I been binging?

Not really.

I've made too many poor choices, I've not tracked honestly, and I've not really cared.  I have exercised the last 7 days and its not really made a difference at the scale, so that's not helping the caring side of things.

I feel every bit of this 6.5 lbs on my body, I feel rolls and fat where there wasn't any (or much) before.  I don't think this is helping the current mood at all.

So for now I just want to stay at home, and stitch, not really talk to anyone nor follow through with things I've committed to.  I actually didn't show up to something I should of today... sure I'll hear about it in the end.

Oh well.

So I will be back, just be patient with me, its just hard to write when you have nothing positive to say or at times I just don't want to say anything, I just want to go back to bed.