Thursday, April 28, 2011

I THINK I've Figured It Out

For some time now I've been down.  I wouldn't say unhappy but no-so-happy.  Hard to be excited about anything, hard to be my smiley bouncy self.  I've been wanting to stick close to home, I've been tired.

Last night I was asked by someone I've known in the Taekwon-Do community since almost day one who I don't see very often how I was doing.  He could tell in my voice that things were just okay.  Not "great" as I would often say, because yes I'm usually great.  When we had an opportunity to talk he asked me what my goals were.

At this moment it clicked.  What are my goals?  I like to think I'm a goal driven person.  I like to have things to strive for and things to look forward to.  At times in my life its been Taekwon-Do promotions, tournaments, weight loss, and well there's my stitching too.  I find something and I become determined like hell to do it!

I think right now I'm lost in the woods with no compass, a runner with no finish line.

I do have Ottawa Race Weekend coming up in about a month now.  For this, the biggest challenge for me was actually registering.  I've run 10K in the past (on my own), I know I can still run to 10K.  From the moment I registered I have stated this is just a goal to complete, even if I have to do some walk/runs I will go and finish this race.  At this point I'm still not excited or nervous about race day.

I was asked about my 4th Degree Black Belt as a goal.  At the moment that's more of a long term goal, and I have to get out of this funk and just go and TRAIN for this to happen.  Well that and I need to go to an International Instructor's Seminar before I can qualify to test.  The rule of thumb is one year per current belt level before you can test.  This November will be my 2nd year as a 3rd Dan so I technically can't test until at least November of 2012.  Of late I've not felt as driven or pushed to go and do better, be a better martial artist.  Again this could be all a part of this whatever feeling I've got.  Getting my 4th Dan would be a lovely feather in my cap, the first female 4th Dan at our school.  Yup I should get on that.

I've not been to a Weight Watchers meeting since early April, when I last weighed in.  At first it was because I was away, but really that was only one weekend this past month.  The other meetings have been missed because, I didn't want to go/get out of bed on a Saturday morning.  This Saturday its time to go and face the music, get weighed in (the weight hasn't really budged but its not gotten worse), pay for being more than 2lbs over my goal weight, and get back into the habit of weekly meetings.  I haven't wanted the support that my Weight Watchers meetings have offered in the past, I probably need this the most right now and I've kinda turned my back on it.  No one can be successful on their own.

So all of this has led to some very poor eating on my part.  Giving into my cravings, poor food choices, eating when not hungry, eating just because, and not exercising (my week ends at midnight and as of right now I have 7 activity points for the week... normally I get 25-35/week). 

Its almost sad that I've gone from this focused, driven person to what I used to be, a lump sitting in my chair at home stitching or taking a nap.  I don't want to be that person anymore or ever again.  I want to find my drive and vigour for life... I need something to strive for, and I don't want it to be just maintaining my weight (yes I want to do that), because that has been my life focus for over 3 years now and there's more to life that that.


Need to Get ME Back said...

I like the phrase "fake it til you make it". Maybe you just need to force yourself to work out or do the things you'd rather not do and in til you will get used to it and enjoy it. It's not always the funnest thing but try to push thru. Hope it start looking up for you soon!

ollie1976 said...

Hugs Dani. You have been such an inspiration to me and so many others (I've rejoined WW and start my meetings Saturday). Hope you're able to find a goal that motivates you soon.

Terri said...

Your post mostly makes me think of long-term goals. Maybe you need some short(er)-term goals to get you going. Even something like attending your WW meeting for the next 4 weeks. I think we can get stuck in a 'good' rut as well as bad and that makes for laziness sometimes. Then the next thing you know the bad starts creeping in. Hugs.

Karen said...

You've achieved a lot these past few years and it can be tough to keep up that momentum. I totally agree with Terri's comment. Maybe some short term goals would help get you going again.

Lisa said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling so down lately Dani.
I know what you mean about feeling a bit lost with no goal. I was so focused on the weight loss for so long that now I've hit maintenance it's just weird. The only way I'm keeping myself focused is to keep pushing myself with my exercise, run that little bit further, or faster, or try a new class or whatever, but it's so hard. I hope you can come up with a goal that will help you get out of this funk quickly and back to your old self. Hugs.